Civility in American Today

Each day he rode the city bus, usually seated near the front. Dressed in a stylish black coat and black hat, the elderly gentleman never failed to turn to thank the bus driver as he made his way to the door to get off. And just before he went down the steps, he would turn to the passengers, tipping his hat with a brief nod and smile, then make his departure. This scene really impressed me as my mother shared it recently. It was over thirty years ago that she witnessed the gentleman's daily gesture of respect and courtesy, as she would ride that bus to school. She still remembers how that elderly man struck her as someone from another place and time, among a busload of students, shoppers, factory workers, who perhaps didn't even notice his courtesy. Undaunted, the man continued to perform this simple ritual, somehow convinced that this is the way he ought to act.

Simple acts of courtesy. We witness them daily, don't we? Expressions such as please, thank-you, excuse me, those magic words learned in pre-school, and continually repeated each day. But when we say them, do we really mean them? Have they not become at times habitual robotic retorts as the infamous "Have a nice day"? And yet, what would our daily world be like without these common expressions of courtesy? Imagine a world in which we weren't expected to show deference or respect to anyone, we didn't have to dress appropriately for any occasion, we didn't need to act a certain way in public? We didn't just because we didn't feel like it. What would that be like? Well, I think it would be a far cry from the world the elderly gentleman knew.

I think you can see what I am getting at. There would be rampant acts of self indulgence, with increasing reactions of intolerance and anger toward the perpetrators, and in time, to everyone in general. Perhaps that laissez-faire world is already here. Interpersonal rudeness, profanity in music, road rage, shouting and violent outbursts on TV talk shows, frequent vulgarity, a general coarsening of our culture. We are confronted by it every day. Vice president Gore once commented that "In a time of social fragmentation, vulgarity becomes a way of life... to be shocking is more important, more profitable than to be civil, or creative, or truly original". A few years ago US News and World Report conducted a survey of over 1000 Americans, revealing that 9 out of 10 people believe civility (or a lack of it) is a serious problem for this country. A vast majority see incivility as evidence of a profound social breakdown, contributing to violence, division, and eroding time-honored values as respect for others. The news magazine's article described a middle class Alabama high school which touts "No Rules" as its norm and students believe that "getting by means getting mean". How typical is this of other high schools across the country? And does such a climate lead the way to violent acts?

What is wrong with this picture? You may wonder, what's happened to civility in America? Okay, maybe civility isn't the first word that would come to people's minds. It's fallen out of common usage, but recently it has been resurrected. Most noticeably in our new president's inaugural address. He challenged us to live out our nation's promise through civility. H e pointed out as well, that civility is not just a sentiment- its a commitment based on trust and community. In fact civility has become a buzz word in the last decade. Its become the lens for examining what is wrong with America. And most of us would agree that some things are wrong. So, where did we come from to get to where we are?

History of civilizations tell us that societies have always operated on certain rules of conduct, call it etiquette, manners- its a generally agreed upon prescription for tolerant living together. True, it is reflective of cultural norms. True, smaller and simpler societies could more easily teach and enforce such norms, the result being an atmosphere of civility and civilized society. In a manner of speaking, excuse the pun, manners make civilization possible.

Even our Founding Fathers recognized the need for etiquette. They called it egalitarian etiquette. George Washing earnestly followed his set of 101 Rules for Civility and Decent Behavior. Prominent Americans as Emerson, Harriet Beecher Stowe, Eleanor Roosevelt promoted the noble cause of etiquette as a means to express equality, individual freedom, social mobility. American social historian, John Kasson, in his book Rudeness and Civility, examines how in 19th century America, etiquette manuals were sought out by people from all socioeconomic backgrounds. At that time it was firmly believed that practicing good manners was a way to become somebody in America. Throughout our nation's history runs a similar theme that civility and manners serve an equalizing social function. In time schools took over the teaching of this, with subjects as "Morals and Deportment".

But putting school subjects and rules of etiquette aside, what really had an impact on behavior, especially children's behavior? According to Yale law professor and social analyst, Stephen Crane, until relatively recently, it was the consistent monitoring by the moral authorities that surrounded children as they grew up: the parents, relatives, neighbors, teachers, church members, and community groups. It was these people that let them know, without too much ambiguity, what was acceptable and unacceptable behavior. What was expected and what was not. Not too long ago, children would address elders as Sir and M'am. When was the last time you heard that? Who are the moral authorities setting the cultural norms today? Well, as Bob Dylan said, " The times they are a'changin'".

Identifying this loss of civility, dealing with the problems it creates, is the subject of numerous articles, books, forums, seminars, even Congressional retreats. From the highest

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